I always wondered what I could possibly write about that would be of any interest to others, but then I realized that blogging is more for "opening my suitcase" as it were, and letting my ideas and thoughts perhaps benefit someone else who might understand that they are not alone.
I have OCD, and I am a Christian. In many ways, these two aspects are diametrically opposed to each other. On the one hand, I constantly battle fearful thoughts that I or someone in my family is going to get some dire illness due to my not being diligent enough with hand washing or cleaning (not that my house is neat by any stretch!). I also worry that I've left the stove on, or the doors unlocked, or something that will be disastrous and be all my fault. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night obsessing over some irrational fear and panic. On the other hand, I fully believe in the omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence, and the unfathomable love of God and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, who paid the penalty of humanity's sins on the Cross.
As anyone can plainly see, this sets up a conflict within me. I hear a voice saying, "If you were really a Christian, you wouldn't be afraid," and other statements like, "You're never going to be good enough for anyone, let alone Heaven, because you don't have enough faith." I constantly beat myself up over my lack of faith and insight, and over constantly missing opportunities to enjoy life and share with others the joys of my faith.
But, I have come to realize and resolve in myself that my fears do not define me or my faith. I have an organic, physical, albeit invisible illness--obsessive-compulsive disorder. I was diagnosed with this by two different therapists in 1987. The symptoms wax and wane, and usually become stronger when I'm under stress. In a way, this is like diabetes. Nobody sees the physical aspects of diabetes, but nobody berates the patient for having the disease. I am learning (though I have a ways to go) to stop berating myself and listening to the lies in my head. Like all maladies, OCD is a result of living in a fallen world, not simply me choosing to be afraid.
Many verses in the Bible have helped me in this journey. II Timothy 1:7 states that God has not given me a spirit of fear (NKJV), meaning that God is not the source of my fears. Romans 8:38-39 states that nothing, not even my fears, can separate me from the Love of God. I John 3:18-20 tells me that I can set my heart at rest in His presence, when my heart condemns me, because He is greater than my heart, and He knows all things. II Corinthians 12:8-9 is an example of how another Christian, Paul, asked God to take away a weakness that he had, but God taught Paul that God's strength is seen in people's weaknesses. By this I am learning that my OCD is actually a good thing in my life, helping me understand that I do not need to do it all by myself, to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, to be perfect to be accepted, approved, and loved. Many other passages encourage me and support these already listed.
This is why I called this site "So Glad It's Not About Me." If it was all about me, life would be a fearful mess. I can trust in and live for God, knowing that even in my fears and doubts, He is there for me and loves me with an unfathomable, everlasting love.
This is not to say that I have completely overcome these problems, and most likely they will be a part of me throughout the rest of my life, but at least I am learning to NOT allow them to define me.
